In a life where we are always bending to meet the needs of everyone around us, there is one species that always forgets to meet their own needs…..the female woman.
I am not saying there aren’t some highly evolved, overly indulgent, self-centered women out there. I am sure they exist. But for most of us involved in partnerships and families (whether that includes kids, elderly parents, or furbabies), the overwhelming need to put others before us supersedes the things we really want.
I would like to start by saying I am generally very good about saying I need time away from my husband and family, that I need girl time. What I am not good at doing/saying is what would make ME happy during the time I am spending with my husband and family.
I find girl time immeasurable to my mental health. I think spending time with the females (or males) that recharge you, challenge you, and put your perspective back in place, to be therapeutic and necessary.
What I don’t take command of in my life are the things I need from my family.
There is this innate drive to be a people pleaser. To meet everyone else’s needs, except your own. What the hell is that?? If you asked me 15 years ago if I would ever skip something I love doing because it’s just not my husband’s jam, I would have laughed in your face.
Why is this the female condition (again-yes I am aware this is a stereotype)? Why are we so against “rocking the boat” to get what we want? Why do we condition ourselves to constantly shove down our desires and needs because they aren’t as important as everyone else’s?
Who the fridge even told us that??????
I am tired and worn out 70% of my time. I workout and eat healthy to try and combat the exhaustion, but life is hard and fast and filled with too many things. So, I am tired.
I still want to live.
No one ever changed the world sitting at home watching Real Housewives. Although, I will still continue to watch that. I’m tired of sitting. I am tired of fighting the busy train.
That train is not slowing down. We keep saying, “we just have to get through this week.” Then we wake up the next week and it’s the same thing. Fighting it has only made it worse. It has only made me more tired. It has only made me less likely to ask for what I want when free time comes available.
So, starting today, I am going to ask for what I want. I know it doesn’t mean that I will get what I want. But I won’t ever get what I want (even sometimes) if I never ask for it.
My kids won’t know that I want to go for hikes in the woods instead of riding bikes in the driveway if I never say it.
My oldest won’t agree to go get her nails done with me if I don’t tell her how much it would mean to me.
My husband doesn’t know that I need him to take me outside of the house if I only say it to myself in the car on the way to work.
I can’t tell you how many times I have missed things that I really wanted (and not always because of my husband or kids-they aren’t the only selfish monsters) because I just didn’t say, “no, that’s not what I want.”
Seriously ladies, your spouses and families cannot read your mind. Trust me, I have been trying to make that happen for years. It would be much easier if they could. Then I could give them all the credit for making me happy.
And my family does make me happy, that I want to clarify. Most of the time.
But if they could read my mind, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for asking for what I want. I wouldn’t have to feel like I was making them do things they didn’t want to do. I wouldn’t have to not suggest doing something because I know they won’t want to.
Ladies we have created our own monster. We have placed a higher value on meeting other people’s needs, managing the house, keeping schedules and kissing boo-boos for most of our adult life. And there is nothing wrong with serving others; in fact, it’s one of the things that gives me the most satisfaction (aren’t I confusing).
I think being a woman is such a gift. I cherish the things that have been placed in my lap. I honor the fact that God gave me the strength to love these things even when I want to rub their faces in mud. I think having the super power to kiss a boo-boo and all of a sudden it gets better, is magical.
But we get so consumed with it, that we start to shove our wants and desires to the bottom of that 4 year old, tattered purse – filled with old, half-eaten candy and tissues that hopefully haven’t been used yet. Those wants and desires get covered in all the weird sand-dirt that somehow sneaks into your purse and starts to look less desirable. It keeps getting mucked up until we can’t even recognize what it is we wanted and desired anymore.
Then we wake up and feel like there is something missing. And we end up blaming our spouses.
Girl, it is not his fault you didn’t ask for what you wanted when you wanted it! I will say it again, that beautiful man (or woman) cannot read your mind. He is not solely responsible for your happiness.
See, we have forgotten how to just say it. We have stopped asking for it when we want it. And when we do work up the courage to ask for it, we feel guilty for being so selfish.
What kind of warped mind frame is that?
We have got to start asking for what we want. We have got to start asking and not feeling guilty about it. Until people can start reading each other’s minds, there is no other way.
If you are one of those women (or men) that is filled up 100% by doing what makes others happy, then kudos! Nothing wrong with that. You do you, boo! But if you are not, like me, then it is time to set your intentions.
Are you going to sit by, knowing what you want, and say nothing? Or are you going to speak up and grab your life by the horns?
Those thoughts in your mind, stating what you need, are not going to come out of your mouth if it is closed. There is not a scrolling billboard of what your are really thinking on your forehead. If you say, “no, it’s fine. I don’t care.” They think you mean, “no it’s fine. I don’t care.
So, don’t get mad at them. This is your fault. Start taking control and being a little more aggressive. Time to start saying, “no it’s not fine. I do care.”
Because you know it’s not fine, and you know you do care; but they don’t.